Sometimes it seems like it’s more important for girl DJs to be cute or sexy than for their music to display any modicum of talent. In and of itself, that’s only a tragedy for uptight feminists—the real tragedy is that most DJs (and often the best ones) are seriously fugly guys. I have a better chance of walking into a subway car and finding a passably attractive guy than I do wandering into any given Boiler Room session (and I fucking shudder at the thought of inadvertently finding myself in a Hyperdub session—those guys look better as emo line drawings than real people).
Like, why do you think it’s all the rage for DJs to wear masks right now?
Because they are mad hurt, and they would rather you think of them as mysterious, talented beatlords than balding computer geeks who jerk off while kneeling in front of a subwoofer. I could be a shallow bitch right now and link to a bunch of nerdy-looking producer dudes, but instead I’ll look on the bright side and share with you this rather dismal list of mostly okay-looking guys who sadly make up the hottest men in the game right now.
10. Jamie xx
I know, he’s not that hot, so let that speak to what we’re working with here. When people hear about Jamie xx, they’re always like, “Is that the girl or the guy from the xx?” and I’m like, “No, he’s the guy in the back pushing buttons.” He is pretty cute and I would definitely hit it, but he certainly has that look of the guy standing in the back pushing buttons, or like your best friend’s brother.
9. Nicolas Jaar
Sometimes Nico looks really good, but in person he’s not as hot. He’s a little too scruffy and his face is shaped like a box, and I don’t know, sometimes I feel like he has a lot of moles or something. He looks like a cleaner version of my friend’s ex-boyfriend who wants to live on a gutter punk commune in Canada.
8. Maya Jane Coles
Yeah, Scuba does look like a “rowdy English footballer,” but I wouldn’t kick him out of bed or anything. The more I look at him, the hotter I think he is, to be honest. He is good-looking, but not out of the realm of normal-guy hot—which is even kind of nice, because I have low self-esteem. And, as you can tell, I have a type (dark hair, a hint of Jew, and you can’t tell from pictures but height is important).
6. Flying Lotus
But I also have another type: blipsters. Oh man, if only Tyler, The Creator, Kid Cudi and Hodgy Beats were DJs…! Lotus isn’t a blipster, though—he’s definitely an attractive CBG. The problem with FlyLo is that his head is fucking huge and his mouth is even bigger (pause), but no he is definitely a hottie. And with the kind of music he makes (that would be “music stoners want to bang to”), you know he has moves. Wasn’t Mary Anne Hobbs grinding up on that? Girl has taste, so enough said.
5. Ben Klock
There is a reason Ben Klock has a super foxy girlfriend: he’s pretty Euro-hot. He’s got a Calvin Klein underwear model, All-American build, but a European demeanor and wardrobe. He just looks so European to me—I bet he wears capris. I don’t know, maybe he’s too boring-looking, but he does look like a European Ken doll.
Huge hipster, but so are you, and so am I, so we can both agree that we are totally into it. Look at his mustache in this picture!
3. James Blake
Had to. He’s a total pansy and he probably cries after sex and then plays Drake songs on a harp, but the dead silence at JB’s sets are always broken by girls shouting out, “You’re beautiful!” He’s really tall, which is a major selling point, and one time someone told me he looks like this heroin-addicted guy I was seeing in high school who was way too hot for me, especially at the time.
Total douche, really hot. I was into him in high school, you know what I mean? That doesn’t die. Aww man, he’s pretty darn cute, now I’m rolling through Google images of him like crazy. But on second thought, last September he posted a picture of him DJing naked at Electric Zoo, and his body was…just like, not…well, see for yourself. I think this is the first time I have missed high school…hmm.
At the risk of giving away my identity to people who know me, I will admit that I have a special place in my heart and my imagination for Shlohmo. I’m really into him, but I get that his skinny lil look is not for everyone. I have heard people at some New York-based music publications say that Shlohmo-related posts get a lot of traffic, but they don’t understand why. My guess is that it’s because he is an adorable guy making sexy, sad music that seems to say, “Girl, I love you and totally understand your pain. I feel it too.” (And, what do you think the title “Same Time” is referring to…? O.o) Shloh seems like the kind of guy who gets so deep in there that he physically touches your heart. Is that gross?? Whatever. Henry, CALL ME.
By Rave Snob